g570145294, 2 января 2017 г., 4:37
'What hurts the most was being so close, and having so much to say, and watching you walk away, and never knowing what could have been, and not seeing that...' Tick tock goes the sound of the clock. I glance up where it is hung on my bedroom wall and only then did I realize that it is already 2 o’clock AM. I haven’t had much trouble sleeping before. Come to think of it, I haven’t really had any trouble sleeping at all – not until two months ago, at the very least. I find myself now sitting on the edge of my bed, wide-eyed. I let out a deep sigh as the song by Rascal Flatts comes to an end. It’s one of the songs that I've been repeatedly listening to these days – it’s a song that reminds me of something… a song that reminds me of someone. It’s a song that had caused me to recognize my utter inanity as I somehow feel like I have committed just about a big mistake. Looking back, I realize how cowardly I had been. I was afraid to take any risks and anticipate the path to where my choices would lead me. I was afraid to be inflicted by pain and have difficulty in finding the remedy. I was afraid to open up my heart and have the courage to become vulnerable. I was afraid to love; afraid to give it away. Afraid I was, indeed… yet surprisingly, I had become utmost fearless to allow my heart to beat for him. Somewhere inside of me knew that his heart beat for me, too. He made me feel it. I just wish that I told him when I had the chance or that I hadn’t declined when my heart was ready. I wish that I’d taken a leap of faith when he had reached out his hand to meet me. Had I only made more sensible choices in the past, then maybe… just maybe, for once, I wouldn’t have ended up as remorseful as I am now. I remove my headphones and put my ipod aside just so I could take a momentary breather. I motion to the small corner of my bed – by the window – and I take a peer through the clear glass. It is quiet outside. It hasn’t always been that way, but I’m glad that it is tonight. I gaze up to the sky and the view that I see almost takes my breath away. Not until this night had I seen so many stars lying around the sky’s vast expanse, and it looks absolutely beautiful. I have learned to appreciate the randomness of things, needless to say; and I believe that it is the greatest thing he has ever taught me. I pull my mobile out of the right pocket of my pants, look for the previous notes that I haven’t deleted yet, and I find the reminder he had placed saying ‘Gabriel loves you.' I remember he used to always fix the settings and make it go off every morning as my alarm clock. I still have it on my mobile although I really don’t use it anymore. I just like keeping it because it is one of the few things I have left of him. I then scroll through the old messages he sent me – the sweet ones at the very least – and when I read them over, it feels as though he was saying those words to me personally. “Hey…” I type onto my mobile, and although I am hesitant about pressing the ‘send’ button, I still did it anyway. I know he probably won’t reply at a time like this, or maybe he wouldn’t reply at all. Yet for some reason, I am hopeful that he would somehow text me back. Then suddenly, as I least expect it, my mobile rings, not to notify me of a text message, but rather a phone call. And when I look, it is the name ‘Gabriel’ appearing on the screen. “Hello?” I say softly, my voice blatantly shaking. “Hey… Can’t sleep?” he asks, and I feel my heart skip a beat upon hearing his voice. “Can’t sleep.” I confirm. I then clear my throat so I could speak more clearly. “Can’t sleep either, huh?” “Can’t sleep either.” he replies. “We’re two birds of a feather, then.” I say, chuckling softly. I remember that he has classes to get up early for, and it wouldn’t be right to keep him awake. “Um… don’t you have classes in the morning?” “Nope, I have the entire week off.” he says then. “How’ve you been, Jane?” “Good,” I lie. I feel awful, but I would never tell him that it is so. There would be no use to confront him about it anymore. “I’m good. And you?” “I’m feeling great, actually. I just got a promotion!” he replies in a blissful tone. “That sounds really great!” I say, matching his tone. “I’m really happy for you, Gabe.” “Thanks. So what’s been keeping you busy these days?” “A lot of things.” I voice out as a brief reply. “Me and the gang are still trying to tick local provinces off our list.” “Some things never really change, do they?” he laughs. “Yeah.” I reply with a subtle chuckle. “You know, Cara and Tricia… they miss you.” “I miss them too.” he states softly, letting out a sigh. “You should come by and visit sometime.” I try to offer. I know he’ll say that he has no time to drop by or that we have conflicting schedules only because it’s true. “I will. And soon, I hope.” he responds and his answer surprises me. He usually has no time to do things apart from his work, but this is one of those seldom times he said yes. “Promise?” I ask as I always have when he tells me stuff that I was never too complacent about. “Promise,” he says and I could only hope that he keeps his word. “How’s May, by the way?” he asks, pertaining to my niece. “Well, she’s playing the piano better now. She’s becoming better than you, actually.” I tease, and he laughs. “I remember she used to tell me about her dreams…” he says, and I continue to watch the night sky from my window as he speaks. “A shooting star,” I say unconsciously as it appears, and it is too late before I realize that I have interrupted him. “What?” he inquires obviously perplexed. I pause for a while to say a silent wish, then I go on to respond to his question. “Oh... uh... I saw a shooting star.” “Oh. Did you wish on it?” “Yup.” “Well… what did you wish for?” Of course I wished to have him back, if only for a little while – I’d like to have him back, but I think that I’d be too blunt if I said spot on ‘you' so I think of a better reply. “Something I can’t have.” I say. “Who knows, you might just get it?” “Who knows?” There is a short moment of silence between the both of us before he finally speaks again. “Hey, Jane?” he asks, and the sound of my name instantly melts my heart. “Hmm?” I mumble. “Can you sing me to sleep?” “Sure.” I reply, and I start not to sing, but to hum his favorite song – it’s a song called ‘Fly'. It’s been his favorite song since I can remember, and he always wanted me to sing it to him to pass the time. I continue to hum until I hear his breathing evening out. I know that I should probably hang up my mobile, but then I find myself unable to do so. And then abruptly, I feel the urge to open my mouth and say something – something I've long wanted to tell him before, something that I've long kept hidden because of fear, something that I wish had changed everything if only I had said it earlier. If I say it now, I know it really wouldn't make any difference. And yet somehow, something inside me says that it will. “I love you.” I say finally, and those three words that came out of my mouth feel as natural and as effortless as breathing. I have always loved him. I still do. And I will continue to love him, whether or not he heard the words as I uttered them, or if he already knew. I will continue to love him whether or not the roads that we both chose to take will cross and lead our relationship into something more or less than what we already share thus far. I will continue to love him for as long as I can – even though I know that I may only end up hoping for something that will never happen. I am aware of the possibility that he may never love me the same way as he did before, or that he may never really even love me back, but it doesn’t matter as much. I’d still continue to love him, regardless.
11 
0
Просмотров: 97
Подписок на автора: 27
Поделиться
